Saturday, January 11, 2014.
Saying goodbye to a loved one is always hard. Imagine though, having to say goodbye to two of your children. Your own flesh and blood. Your family. Your posterity.
Saturday came quickly. Friday, the day before, I was nervous for 4 o'clock Saturday to arrive. When it did though, we all dressed up in our Sunday best and headed downtown. I made sure to wear the sweet bracelet my parents gave me to remember my babies. Logan and I invited Luke and Lexie's grandparents to see them one last time with us.
During the fifteen minute drive to the mortuary, I felt peace. I felt comfort. I knew though, the minute we got there that I would probably break down. This experience to me seemed unreal. I sat in the back seat of the car holding Lexie and Luke's pink and blue blankets in my lap. When we arrived, we all walked into the beautiful building and were escorted to a room down the hall. I walked into the room first. I saw my babies across the room laying together on a blanketed table. I headed straight for them. I didn't look back. I couldn't wait to see them. I wanted them to know that we were there for them. As I approached the table I looked at their faces and pulled the blanket down to look at their perfect bodies. They were just as beautiful as I remembered just six days prior. My tears started flowing. I patted them away with the pink and blue blankets in my hands.
I stepped back to allow the others to look. I knew that each person in that room loved those babies just as much as we did. It showed in their faces, in their tears. I was disappointed in the circumstances we were facing. I felt like my weak body had let down each person in that room, including our babies. I turned to Logan and told him I was sorry. By his reaction, I knew he knew it was not AT ALL my fault.
We stayed a while. We passed the babies around, each one of us taking turns holding our sweet Luke and Lexie. It was a precious moment, a reverent moment. I can still remember it clearly in my head, each detail. After an amazing family prayer offered by my dad, we stayed a while longer. I couldn't face the moment when I'd have to turn my back and walk out of the room. I know Logan couldn't either. When that time approached, I leaned over our babies, gave them each a kiss, whispered that I loved them, turned to Logan with tears in my eyes and told him I was ready.
As we walked out the doors I heard my moms sweet voice tell the man to take good care of them. She said what I was unable to at the time and for that, I am so grateful.
