I was 19.5 weeks pregnant.
Earlier in the week I had been to see my OB, Dr. Brown. During each appointment with him, he checked my cerclage to make sure it was holding up. During that appointment, he had indicated that my cervix had thinned out since I had seen him a week and a half ago. However, we would hold on to hope that I would continue to do okay. Of course, this what not the news I'd hope to hear. However, Dr. Brown was very calm about things as I think he was trying not to dash my hopes, and at the same time not get my hopes up. A very difficult thing in my opinion. I walked out of his office feeling fair, yet nervous for my ultrasound appointment the next day.
The next day was my appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine Group at St. Marks. I had been a few times prior and things were pretty much remaining fairly stable.
Little did I know, this appointment would be a game changer.
As the stenographer looked at things from above, they looked good. Babies were healthy and most important, their little hearts tones were good. Two weeks prior, Logan and I were there for our "big" ultrasound appointment. Each baby was growing well, their organs were all accounted for and we were told "they look great."
The stenographer left for a short time to consult with the perinatologist. She told me that she had gone to ask if he wanted to look at things from below. A short while later they both returned and decided a vaginal ultrasound was going to happen in order to see things better. As Dr. Ball looked around, things didn't look good. I could hear it in his voice. He went on to show me lengths, and locations of things in terms of baby, as well as my cerclage that he wondered had pulled out from the back side.
When he was finished, he sat me up to talk. Ugh. He looked me straight in the eye and spoke for five minutes straight and I listened intently, making sure I didn't miss one detail. During the last two minutes of our talk, I could tell my emotions were surfacing but I was able to calm myself down quickly. His words were not ones I wanted to hear, nor could even process at the time. I knew at that point that things had gone downhill and our chance of bringing our babies to this earth were not as good as they were weeks ago. My cervical length had diminished to a .5 (a normal and healthy cervical length is approx. 2.5 to 3.5). Additionally, Dr. Ball had indicated that if something (a delivery) were to happen, it would probably happen in the next week or two. My heart stopped. However, he indicated that if things remained stable for two weeks, there was a small chance I could carry the pregnancy to 23 or 24 weeks, enough to get the babies big enough to intubate them upon delivery and give them a chance to live.
I was frozen and shaken to the core by his words. But, I still had hope. I could do this, anything for my babies. Anything. And, I knew my Heavenly Father would help me too.
Finally he was done. He had indicated to me that is was my choice whether I'd be admitted to the hospital (on bed rest) for weeks to come. I sat there for a minute understanding that I could potentially accomplish the same bed rest from home, but, I could not get past the pictures in me head when I lost our first set of twin babies. That started as a traumatic experience at home and one I NEVER wanted to repeat. As I was sharing that with him, I broke down.
I walked back to the waiting room where my mom was waiting. I know she saw my red, swollen eyes and knew right away that something was wrong.
I was admitted to the hospital that very moment for a lengthy stay. I stayed overnight in labor and delivery. I didn't sleep one wink. With the weight on my shoulders, who could?
