(Below) Emily at 5 weeks.
(Below) You've gotta meet this girl! She's a hoot and has the quickest wit of anyone I've ever met! Love ya Em! And let me not forget to mention Logan was behind me saying to Emily "you're a tiger!" when I was taking this picture. Haha!
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As the seven week mark crept up on us, Emily, Logan and I all met at Utah Fertility that day to see what the ultrasound revealed. We were feeling good and had even talked for weeks at this point about our due date. That day while we were waiting to be called back we even discussed how we would have to coordinate our insurance policies to find a really good OBGYN.
When it was our turn we all headed back to a very familiar room. The three of us sat in that room waiting for the sonographer. I was at total peace and realized that the only maybe sad news we would be getting that day would be that there was only one baby, and I was okay with that.
She came in and went to work. Right away she confirmed that she saw "one baby." I remember responding with "I'll take that!" Minutes pass and I sat there feeling an uncomfortable quiet in the room. I wasn't sure if Logan and Emily had picked up on it. Lindsey kept her eyes focused on that ultrasound machine for quite a while. And then, she finally spoke. "So, Emily, you're 7 weeks today?" in which Emily responded with an "uh huh."
For some reason Lindsey's question didn't sit well with me but I sat there, watched and listened. Still expecting Lindsey to say "Okay, things look great. Congratulations. See you guys in two weeks."
Those words never came.
I do remember the words that did come though. "I will tell you this. The baby is measuring small. It's measuring about 5 weeks, 5-6 days."
My heart stopped.
Logan piped in quickly with "So does that mean that the baby isn't growing?"
My heart stopped again.
Lindsey went on to tell us that when they measure the size of the baby they average the size of the fetus and the size of the gestational sack and come up with a number. And ours, well didn't look great. Lindsey did confirm that the baby had a heartbeat (also a little low), but there WAS a heartbeat, which was good.
I could sense the concern in Lindsey's voice and in her face too, although I feel like she was trying to keep positive for us. I was sick. I knew things did not look good and they were probably worse than they were letting on. Logan confirmed he felt the same way when I asked him later.
The three of us walked out of our appointment with another appointment in ONE week in which we would be 8 weeks along. Usually they bring you back at 9 weeks but in our situation, they felt impressed to monitor the baby a little more closely.
Emily and I returned one week later. Logan couldn't come. We sat in that room nervous again. This time Brooke, one of my favorite nurses came in to do the scan. As we saw the picture on the large TV monitor, it didn't take Brooke long (a few seconds) to say "Oh you guys. Things look the same." There hadn't been any change. I quickly asked if our sweet baby had a heart beat. Brooke replied with a solemn "No. Im sorry."
And that was our reality. Baby and then no baby. Again. It was all too familiar. And today--today was October 1st--the first day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Pretty ironic.
I wasn't shocked by the news (because inside there was always a part of my that was guarded) but of course I was very sad. Emily was too. I could tell. I know her heart went out to us and mine went out to her. After all the weeks and weeks of hard work and sacrifice, it was all taken from us. Each of us. Emily's time away from her kids, our million trips down to Pleasant Grove, all the money we had paid to make this happen--it all became worthless with one ultrasound.
And the worst news of all, we had used our very last embryo. There were none left in the freezer. The nine embryos that Logan and I made 3 years ago, beginning this process, were gone. Just gone.
