Months after losing Lexie and Luke life slowly began to get back to normal--as normal as it could I suppose. Logan was working everyday and I, well I didn't have much going on. After all, I was supposed to be playing mommy to two of our miracle babies.
As this unfortunately was not the case, I had weeks of free time which may or may not have been a good thing. Not until I was offered a few days of work back at Village Dental did I actually feel like I was doing something productive. Honestly I dreaded going back to see my friends at the office because I knew I would just burst into tears. For me, facing the people that I love so much and whom had completely supported me since day one was really hard. But, I did it and it has been a huge blessing in my life.
I worked 2-3 days each week for months. During those months it became easier and easier to talk about our experience with Luke and Lexie. I felt sheer love and sympathy from each of the women I worked with, true friendship you might say.
Weeks passed. On one day I had my postpartum appointment with my OB. I knew we would be discussing future options for another possible pregnancy. As Logan and I sat in that room talking to Dr. Brown, I listened to his suggestions but really couldn't even consider any option at that point because it was just too soon. Dr. Brown discussed an invasive surgery to do an abdominal cerclage that would allow a much higher stitch of the cervix, but I was just not having it. It was a permanent surgery and I had very little faith in my already very incompetent cervix. I would not be willing to risk another life of one of our future children. In my eyes it was selfish. You may tell me differently, but until you read your own babies death certificate that says 'Never Married' and realize all of the special moments in life they missed out on because of you, it doesn't even become a question. We weren't willing to risk it and we weren't willing to risk our last two embryos.
I shared this information with my co-workers days later as we sat at The Cheesecake Factory while eating dessert. We talked about my options, we talked about the abdominal cerclage and we talked about what it would take to use a gestational carrier. And let me pipe in real quick and mention that months earlier a few of the amazing girls I worked with offered up their fabulous baby making uterus' to me and Logan, just to make our dream come true. Isn't that incredible?! I remember hoping that they were serious about their offers but at the time I really didn't know. It was a huge commitment, a huge sacrifice and I didn't want to get my hopes up. And, the cost of using a gestational carrier was totally and completely daunting to me.
Ugh.
