Today is October 4th. I am 9 weeks and one day pregnant. Unlike most couples, who, at this point are ecstatic, thrilled and beginning to tell their good news to close family and friends, Logan and I are laying low and have been slightly tight lipped about our situation. Honestly, we're just holding our breath.
Our pregnancies are anything but normal, anything but easy and anything but exciting. We take each day in stride with a lot of prayer, hope and what I've come to realize most-- a test of our faith.
Although I'm less than ten weeks pregnant, I have already had four ultrasounds. We are what you would call a very high risk pregnancy. Because of this, and our dismal history, I don't allow myself to think of buying a first outfit for my baby, or hosting his or her birthday party, or what color I want to paint baby's nursery. To be honest, I don't even want to do these things until I have a healthy baby in my arms. It's very sad that it has to be this way, but I can't help it.
I have been laying in bed for MONTHS now. I only leave my house for doctors appointments, and I only leave my bed to use the bathroom or to take a shower every once in a while. It is extremely difficult but I am willing to do whatever I can to bring a baby to this earth for us.
I was put on one full week of bed rest by my doctor, when, at seven weeks I woke up with bleeding and proceeded to lose two more large blood clots. The minute I saw them, I knew I had miscarried. It was just like the time before. My heart sunk. I took care of myself and then called Logan at work. I didn't start crying until I heard the disappointmnent (sadness) in Logan's voice. I told him I was done, and that I couldn't do this again. It was just too much.
Logan rushed home and we drove down to our doctors office in Pleasant Grove. At one point I turned to Logan and said "de ja vu, huh?" as we had faced this same situation six months earlier...and it was devastating.
We sat in the room at the doctor in silence just waiting for Anne Marie, our nurse practioner, to give us the bad news. I was preparing myself emotionally. She entered the room, just as she had six months prior, to address our bleeding situation. I laid back, and the ultrasound scan came up on the large television mounted above. You could have heard a pin drop in that room. I think I even stopped breathing for a moment. Then...without words, she shook her heard back and forth, still in silence. After a minute of looking around, she said it--"Brooke, things look ok. I don't see a bleed at all, especially near baby." I was in complete and utter shock. "If you would've seen what came out of me, you wouldve thought we were in a hopeless situation." She went on to explain that the bleed may have come from the other side of my uterus, or that even a part of the placenta may have detached briefly and then clotted itself. However, we weren't in the clear yet. I was ordered strict bedrest for one week. Anne Marie informed me that she did not like the bleeding.
The last few minutes of the scan allowed Logan and I to hear baby's strong heartbeat. Logan was seated in a chair a couple feet away from me and I heard him let out a sigh of relief and happiness. I loved that.
I left that office with a follow up appointment in one week. Even more so, as i walked out of there, my anxiety was at an all time high.
It was not until we returned home that I realized I had just witnessed a miracle in my life. Thank you Heavenly Father.
